Most Days I Think-No, I Know-That I'm An Awful Mom
I try, I promise I do. But no matter what, I’ll never be enough for that little voice in my head that tells me otherwise.
I really thought I’d be a good mom. No, a great mom. And I try, I promise I do. But no matter what, I’ll never be enough for that little voice in my head that tells me otherwise.
Thoughts like I should have done this instead, Why did I say that? and I’ll never forgive myself for that one time… loop through my mind on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great kid. And I do go through periods of not hating myself as a mother. But I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t feel like the dark and light were always flighting to claim the top spot.
I don’t know how that sounds to the rest of you, but that’s my reality.
On a more cheerful note, today I actually did feel like a good mom. My son has been sick and I’ve been fighting hard to not catch whatever new germ has been ailing him. I’ve been living in that purgatory between sickness and health, and going easy on myself (that’s a nice way to say that I’ve been a bit lazy, perhaps, and lounging around a lot). My son has finally started to feel better, and today he told me that it was his turn to take care of me as he headed off to the kitchen.
He returned a few minutes later with a peanut butter and banana sandwich that he made for me, which is one of my favorite things to eat. He sliced the bananas and lined them up on the bread just like I do and, to boot, he cut off the crusts, which he believes is the secret to a perfect sandwich
“I made it with sourdough bread, Mommy, because I know that kind doesn’t hurt your tummy,” he told me with pride as he handed me the plate.
My heart melted.
His actions were thoughtful, empathetic, kind and full of love. And while a lot of that is just his natural character, I like to think that maybe I had a little to do with it, too.
I’m a good mom—at least for today. And that’s enough for me.
While I totally understand where you're coming from because I, too, felt like a terrible mom for the first 10ish years of my daughter's life, I'm going to say with a good deal of certainty that you're doing great. That you're much harder on yourself than anyone else would ever be. And, secretly, we all screw up our kids, just in different ways than our parents screwed us up. Kids don't come with an owner's manual, so it's on the job training.
You are the reason he is so compassionate and sweet. What a wonderful thing for him to do. You are the best mommy for Archie. Whatever you are doing hero it up. ❤️